Melbourne: Better Than Peeville (By A Factor Of (At Least) Ten)
melbourne – the wonderland! it’s just maths, you see. it’s a bigger place so for anything good there’s just more of it here. and because it’s far far away and in your imagination, you can make any bad thing really tiny, as small as a pea, and then just crush the pea with your mind.
in melbourne, everyone knows you are just waiting to be loved, and they know how to love you. everywhere on the streets beautiful bearded men with shapely legs who look like they would be great on a date wink at you. they take you to the movies and instinctively know what snacks you like. they take you to an opera that isn’t even boring. they cure things, like asthma and broken hearts.
in melbourne the coffee costs about 20c and it’s 10,000 times more delicious than the best coffee in peeville (that’s the new name for perth). when i say it costs 20c though, there’s always some great bearded guy next to you who buys it for you anyway, and then winks.
there is liquid gold all over the place, flowing down the little side bits at the edges of the roads, and you can dip stuff into it if you like things gold plated. for example, you could pull out one of your teeth like my friend emlyn did, and dip it in gold to have a gold tooth.
in melbourne you can go into any opshop and it’s like you’re julia roberts in ‘pretty woman’ where all the staff pick out great outfits for you and some rich entrepreneur foots the bill. all the clothes are made of material that’s even softer than a washed poodle, and all the shoes smell like the good bits of italy. and what’s more, inside every opshop is also an indoor ski slope, that feels like it’s outdoor. you get hot chocolate and a snowboard all waxed and ready to go, and then as you go over your first jump everyone from the city cheers you on.
in melbourne every house has its own bakery. the bakers work all day long but love their job and basically their job is to create the most incredible pastry treats to satisfy whoever comes into the house. when you get to any front door they present you with a basket of croissants and heaps of jam. and in melbourne you can go up to any door and just knock and everyone says to come in. then you get the croissants, then they massage you at whatever pressure you like it best.
in melbourne they have fixed all the problems too, so it doesn’t matter if you have skin that’s not sand-coloured, everyone is not weird about it. and all the bands are 10,000 times better than the best peeville band. for instance, in peeville if electric toad plays there’s up to 25 people playing on stage and laughing. well, in melbourne their version is called ‘heavenly toadally best’ and there’s 250,000 people that all get up on stage and sing “ain’t got no time, for ladies” but they don’t really mean it because there’s heaps of ladies in the band and all the guys are winkers and have plenty of time for ladies. it’s kind of ironic but everyone gets it over here.
so yeah, melbourne’s great! wish you were here.
p.s. (next week i’ll tell you bout some real life great things that happened, like seeing cosima from manglewurzel play solo – my favourite new performer, and having my mind blown by evelyn (pikelet) playing new piano compositions that gave me perpetual shivers, and about climbing butt naked down a freezing waterfall in franklin, tasmania).