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Monkeys, Monarchy, Media, Marriage

Tahlia Palmer: Steady Eye

Monkeys, Monarchy, Media, Marriage

Andrew Ryan

It’s that time of the quarter century again- a member of the British Royal family is getting married. The future King in fact, and the big day is about two weeks away. Since the announcement of the wedding plans last year, commonwealth monarchists and internet freaks alike are all in a flutter with excitement. What does this mean for you, the average person?

First of all, if you live in England and your job contract is worded correctly, you get to take the day off work. Hurray! You have the opportunity to throw a street party and show off your cooking skills to the neighbours, all the while celebrating the great nation that is Britain, and its rich tradition of pissing off tax payers. Or, you can have an anti-wedding party since you get the day off anyway, and pubs will be open another two hours to mark the special occasion, thankyou Ministers. The timing of the royal wedding means that two four day weekends fall consecutively over the Easter period, much to the dismay of small business owners, but no doubt to the delight of the nation’s children and any adults keen to pick up where they left off with the drinking of the weekend before it. Or you can go on strike and fuck up the fun for everyone.

If you don’t live in England, you may have the opportunity to watch it all go down IN THREE FUCKING DIMENSIONS. Rupert Murdoch is flexing his all mighty, possibly reptilian-in-origin muscles to launch this super-dooper fancy mass communication tool while drumming in to the rest of the world that his reptilian cousins- the royal family- are a group to be loved and admired and respected. Some people will fall prey to this manipulation. However, the sane among us will be just as unfazed by the royal wedding as we would be by a wedding on Neighbours. Oh, two rich kids fell in love? Bless. I don’t care. Except for the fact that we’re being forced to recognise them as our future rulers.

Regardless of how truly unimportant this event is in the grand scheme of things, it doesn’t change the fact that royal wedding “fever” is hitting hard. There is a Kate Middleton doll for fuck’s sake. Idiots all over the western speaking world are anxiously hanging out for news from the young couple on their plans for the wedding, and their future together. “Oohhhh they don’t want to live with servants!”, and then some poor journalist has to analyse this future action and try to figure out if the British people will stand for being “ruled” by a king who doesn’t act kingly. Plans to live with Prince Harry temporarily once they’re married are released, and readers are positively flabbergasted! What do you MEAN they haven’t decided where they want to live?! Well yes, as possibly the richest, most privileged young couple in the world, they could live fucking anywhere, and I’m sure they plan to take their sweet time about figure out their arrangements.

And then there are the couples that planned their weddings to be on the same day. Some place importance on the coincidence, others seek to avoid the connection and get the fuck out of the country. Some couples are able to have more people attend their weddings thanks to the bank holidays, while others are missing out on their desired guests due to raised prices on airfare for the same reason. One bride expressed her fear that her wedding would be overshadowed by the royal one. I’m sure she wasn’t expecting everyone in the world to drop what they’re doing to give their congratulations to her, but if her family and friends care more about Prince William more than her, I guess she should probably look a little deeper into the underlying meaning of that.

’m sure you’ve been dying to know about that conspiracy theory that says Prince William is the anti-christ too, and how it ties in with his marriage to Kate Middleton. WELL, let me attempt an explanation. It’s gets a little complicated, but so far i’ve figured it out thusly: Hitler and his Nazi team were working on human cloning during World War 2, and managed to get a hold of the Shroud of Turin to take a DNA sample from it. The British Royal family were apparently Nazi sympathisers, and they supposedly took this sample of Jesus’s DNA, and kept it safe in preparation for when they could implement their crazy occult plan to solidify their control over the world, because they are reptilian humanoids who are descendents of Cain, and always need to be in control of us plain old humans. Obviously.

And so the 2012 was approaching, and that’s when the anti-christ will be revealed, so he had to be born before then, so the royal family set it up so that Prince Charles marries a 19 year old virgin, (she had to be the both those things for the occult stuff to work)- a descendant of the Jewish house of David too- and then implant her with that twisted, Nazi-fucked-with DNA of Jesus, and get her pregnant. She knew what’s going on, so tried to kill herself while pregnant (true story), but fails, and a son- Prince William- is born, just after a solar eclipse on the summer solstice. His thirtieth year, the age that Jesus became a carpenter, falls in 2012. The site of Princess Diana’s famous tunnel crash was an ancient sacrificial site, and she was not killed in the crash instantly, but instead was ritually sacrificed in the ambulance or something. To help make sure William became the anti-christ.

AND AND AND it has been discovered that Prince William and Kate Middleton are twelfth cousins, once removed. Turns out they share a relative on his mother’s side and her father’s side, and this relative was a descendant of David that was crucial to Diana being chosen as mother of anti-christ. I suppose that any children from this latest royal marriage will be solidifying the rule of the reptilian humanoids over humanity, and possibly Satan’s rule too, and you can tell they’re evil because… uhh… they’re hell rich and stuff…

Oh and the date of their wedding happens to be the same as Hitler and Eva Braun’s. A not so subtle nod to his creator methinks? Yes. That’s definitely what it is.

But as far as regular folk are concerned, it’s all anticipation- who will design the wedding dress, who is invited (Julia Gillard is invited, but not the Obamas), who will attend, what colour hat will Queen Elizabeth wear, which charity will the money from the sale of the specially made PEZ dispensers go to … all the important questions, and it’s all over the news. I assume that the authors of such articles were annoying in the office, or late with their deadlines, because it has to be a form of punishment to write about it under the guise of journalism. Despite the fact that they are likely to be far more widely read than anything about Libya or the abduction ofAi Weiwei, you can see that all of these little fluff pieces are written with only a very slightly higher sense of importance than the topic deserves. But they are easy to write…

…very, very easy. Happy Easter/royal wedding everyone!