Icelandson: Tahlia proposes to Iceland.
Before I begin, it is necessary that you watch this clip. Do it right now.
Ahhhhhh, Iceland. Your landscape sends shivers down my spine, and your tourism department, with its simple and youthful design aesthetic, makes me smile like an idiot despite knowing how desperate your situation is. And when I say desperate, I mean it’s not terrible, not as bad as it was two years ago, but still less than average.
The economy has been balls for a few years now. The banking system failed during the early 2000s recession- I have no idea as to why the banks died… something about England freezing something because of anti-terrorist laws or something ridiculous and of-the-times like that. There is also less fish in the ocean every year, which didn’t help the employment status of Icelandic fisherman, which made things that little bit extra shit. There were protests on the pretty streets of Reykjavík for the first time in 60 years, everyone was freaking out, the price of beer is pretty high (dude, $13 average! Woah) and I don’t think the rest of the world really gave a shit…
…which is why this new tourism campaign is so important. Underneath all the happy dancing and the babes and the desolately gorgeous scenery, the country is screaming for the world to pay attention, and please just come and spend some freaking money here because times is tough dammit! Tourism is the most obvious- and easiest- way to up the dollars in a country, and Iceland have tapped in to that target market sought after by every company on the planet: young people with money! Send a clip out on youtube, watch it go viral because it’s got that song by that Icelandic chick that ISN’T fucking nuts, and everybody’s happy and dancing, and LOOK, the cinematography is just like an art house film IT’S SO PRETTY I WANT I WANT I WANT ME ME ME ME ME, and there you have it, potentially millions of kids blogging about how Iceland is the hippest place in the world and how they’re going to spend a year studying there and I’ll bet that Iceland fashion designers are doing a roaring trade now too, while every Icelandic kid under the age of 17 is quick to remind youtubers that they are just as bored as everyone else their age.
But HARK, HEAR ME. I have a long term save-Iceland scheme in my braintank, a ridiculous scenario that would take advantage of the money coming in from tourists trampling over the country, oooo-ing and aaaahh-ing at the quirky little culture on parade just for them, hipsters calculating how to bring it back home with them in the most original way possible and being pretty fucking rude to natives who aren’t into music. Ergh. Gross. So, let the community suffer from excessive tourism just long enough to get a bunch of money, and then we implement my idea: create a big ol’ manmade island right next door! BAMM! It would solve everything. Seriously.
I’m going to follow Icelandic naming conventions, and call this fictional baby island Icelandson. If my family lived in Iceland, my name would be Tahlia Isabel Terrencedottir, my brother’s name would be Troy Deryn Terrenceson, and our father’s name would be Terrence Gary Terrenceson. And our phonebook listing would be with our first names first. SO GOOD. Any way…
This island idea has many benefits. First of all, the island can be made out of trash. Yes, trash, get it from garbage piles all over the world, cover it in concrete, direct some lava flow on to it, collect some ash, a bunch of sand, and you got yourself a big ol’ island. Make it real big. Like half the size of Iceland. Then you could plant some fucking trees on the old garbage piles. Instant world health point. And maybe build some art galleries or museums or environmental sustainability schools or ANYTHING next to the trees to rival the amount of sports stadiums on the planet. Worthwhile effort for world culture point. Once Icelandson has settled a little, build some apartment blocks. Not too many. Keep it low at first. These would be for visitors, at a lower cost than the notoriously expensive hotels on the mainland, which would no doubt act as a slight draw card. The building and running of these hotels/apartments, and the inevitable commercial businesses around them creates jobs, and as time goes by, the youth from the mainland may want to move in to them to get to work easier each day. Schools can be created on Icelandson, and more agriculture and horticulture for make-benefit self sustainability for the nation. New design firms would pop up all over the place, in charge of designing the landscape how ever the fuck they please, because they’re dealing with a pile of trash, not a natural environment. Create the most fucking inspiring interactive-nature-sculpture in the history of humanity. These people are from Iceland, the country is as rich in artistic talent as the land is in volcanic ash, it won’t be hard.
You see where I’m going with this. Create a whole new city, easily accessible by boat AND hydrogen powered car from the mainland (and it’s airport) thanks to the beautifully designed bridges I assume will happen. With a larger, more workable landmass for use by the Icelandic people and their government, it will be easier to live, easier to thrive. The beautiful, unforgiving island will be supported by the thriving little trash-heap right next door, so if an economic recession ever happens again, the whole world will be falling apart as Iceland’s forward planning people, will be all like “You guys are still on that oil trip? You silly English, should have done something about this shit ages ago. ” and carry on their carefree way.
Isn’t it funny that Scandinavians- the group of people most renowned for design, music, neutrality, and general chilled-ness- are descended from Vikings, who were totally brutal? I really like it. Make an island. MAKE IT.