The ancient Sumerians were the first human civilisation advanced enough to record itself in a written language. Living in a very liveable area of the world (the area we know as Iraq around five thousand years ago, they settled down, started farming, stored their food in the winter, and positively flourished. They made pottery, drew semi-life-like pictures of each other, and practised their religious ceremonies, all under the warm embrace of the sun. Good humans. Lucky humans.
When modern people discovered the remains of this society, a few set to work immediately on translating their language so we could find out all about what their lives were like, perhaps with the hope that they could help us piece together the answer to that age old question “Why are we here?”
Well, as a result of these findings, and their subsequent interpretation by nut jobs who take an ancient society’s symbolism literally and claim to have special powers, it has been “discovered” that human beings are actually under the control of a race of super advanced reptillian-humanoids, and have been ever since our evolution into homo sapiens. Intrigued? Shit yeah you are.
And so, here is my “Brief History of Humanity” for you to sink your omniverous teeth into. Om nom nom.
WHERE CAN I BEGIN?? I suppose the best place to start would be when the giant lizard men noticed a group of apes slowly evolving opposable thumbs. “Oh yeah?” they thought to themselves. “Such adaptation! How convenient. Our planet’s atmosphere is falling to pieces, but we can fix it with gold, which happens to be found in large amounts on this little planet here. BUT we can’t be fucked getting the gold ourselves. So…we’ll genetically manipulate these mammals into a slave race, mining that gold for us so we don’t have to! Brilliant!”
And so it began. Homo sapien was born. This is the obvious explanation as to why there is no evolutionary “missing link” between apes and modern humans, because the first homo sapiens were made in little test tubes, as is recorded on a tablet by a talented Sumerian artist. Duh.
We set about spreading all over the globe, then got brutalised by the alien created ice-age to weed out the weaklings over thousands of years. When the strongest and most adaptable humans proved they were still going pretty well, the weather was returned to nice and stable, and off we went, instinctively (ei: following genetic orders put there by the lizard men) following the warmth over mountains and valleys and plains to reach a safe, fertile land.
Because these overlords put a little thing in our DNA to make sure we never use the entirety of our brain power- or else they loose their control- we couldn’t quite figure out what to do next. So they taught us agriculture. Once we’d done that for a bit, we began worshiping them because we were thankful that our bellies were so full. “Cool!” They thought. “We could totally have sex with their women now.” And thus, the first King was born- conceived because our genetic code had been designed to accept the sperm of the lizard men- kept in place as the connection between “Gods” and human beings, telling the people that gold is lovely and bring me all the gold and then I probably won’t kill you. But in reality, people did have to be killed, and their blood fed to the giant lizard men, because they required human blood in their alien bellies to carry on existing as a physical form in this dimension. Because they are interdimensional creatures by nature. Menstrual blood is also acceptable, because it is charged with the power of the moon. Obviously. Oh yeah, and they can shape shift too.
But this is the bit that has people convinced that this is the truth: without telescopes, the Sumerians had complex and extremely detailed information on the solar system- not only the relative size of all the planets, but even the colour of some of them, which has all been proven right by modern astrologers and space probes. However, they knew of a tenth planet that we still haven’t found, which is supposed to go around the sun in a really weird elliptical orbit, and is where the reptile gods came from, the one with the dying atmosphere. Obviously.
So anyway, over thousands of years, the original royal lineage has maintained itself, with every single monarchy that has existed in Europe descendant from this first king. Japan, China and the Americas must have had a similar scenario, impregnated with reptile swimmers later on as a back up plan just incase Europe didn’t work out. But, as we all know, it TOTALLY worked out, because Europeans have engulfed the globe with their fair skin and their royal empires, killing anyone they are unable to communicate with who gets in the way of gold, oil and expansion. I suppose that the more distant the memory of our origins became, the less accpetable it was to sacrifice children and virgins and whoever else to the gods, so the blood of war did the job for a little while. The European royals were still in power, and then America happened, and pretty much every President of America is a descendant of the royals, so they were all working together, getting the blood and the gold to our reptilian creators, and everything was sweet.
All of this went on completely without our knowledge, hidden behind our increasingly vein belief that “God” is a guy who looks exactly like us, completely disconnected from our reptilian ancestry. “That’s okay” thought the lizardmen, “We already have complete power, let them think they are free.” UNTIL, the GOOD spirits/aliens/beings began to contact us. Yay! The good guys are here! Reminding us that the lizards exist. Telling people with special powers that we are in fact not free, that this increasingly global society we are living in is all part of the master scheme to fully enslave us, because there is MORE slavery to experience, but LUCKILY the time is getting close that we can over come them, and then something about the planet’s magnetic field and the infinite cycle of time we’re experiencing coming to a weak point, and that it is possible to unlock more parts of our brains so that we can shake off these reptilian shackles and EVERYTHING WILL BE BETTER and we’ll all be truly happy for the first time EVER and TWO THOUSAND AND TWELVE and BUY MY BOOK SO YOU CAN LEARN MORE etc.
Now, I don’t enjoy being a slave to the economy either, and I too have a vague belief that life could possibly exist outside this planet… but, like… seriously? You couldn’t think of anything else to encourage openmindedness and alternative conciousness in your fellow human? Bahhhh.