Every year I partake in this ritual of kitsch, extremely bland and over-produced pop music, to largely get over the fact that living in Perth means you are quite privileged to listen to high quality music, so I watch this and sum it up so you don’t have to. Our fellows across the ocean are not so lucky when it comes to good music. But at least they do have fun- without further ado: in no particular order.
Australia: Strictly average. Strictly spartan bland. Winning the Eurovision don’t come easy.
Moldova: Epic. Sax. Guy.
Portugal: What should have been the wrong concert for the song, but yet took it down anyway.
Italy: Song has apparently intelligent lyrics lost in translation. Instead- look- man in ape suit dancing!
Norway: A budget version of Daft Punk.
Spain: Easily the worst. Both in music and fashion.
Azeribaijan: Lorde of the Caucasus. Chalk’s first appearance in a song contest.
Bulgaria: Troye Sivan of the Balkans.
Denmark: Somehow Australians have a habit of being strictly average, no matter where.
Armenia: Beyonce of the Caucasus.
Israel: Gym junkie by day, overly energetic pop star by night.
Netherlands: A white bread version of Destiny’s Child.
United Kingdom: An example of why Britain shouldn’t automatically be in the final.
Ukraine: Eastern Europe does New Order.
Hungary: I want that hussar jacket.
Romania: Yodel + Hip Hop + Rock + Pop- this is peak Eurovision right here.
Croatia: Definitely a gentle giant.
Sweden: When you need to do a little work out mid-performance.
Greece: She’s pretty, but also pretty meh.
Austria: Cloudy, with a chance of meatballs.
Belgium: Don’t know what’s in the Flemish water, but they’re always good. Plus it’s pretty scary to be on the big stage when you’re seventeen. Props.
Cyprus: Isaac Newton does his head in.
Germany: Not quite the perfect piece.
Poland: Has Poland got anything beyond women in white dresses singing love ballads?
That’s all 26. Remember Eurovision is mostly for fun, and much needed levity as that continent is having deep, deep issues of their own. As for us Australians, who aren’t even supposed to be there in the first place but got there because some of us love it (too much).